Six Years

Today I woke up with that familiar feeling I have grown to learn to live with.  The what ifs and what could have beens are overwhelming as I reflect on the charisma, wisdom and beauty that Timmy posessed.  He should be here.  We learn to remember and honor him in healthy ways that allow his life to be remembered and cherished.  His absence will never be easy but the golden thread that Timmy wove through our lives created a beautiful tie that will connect us to him always.

My beautiful little boy offered a pure joy that I will hold close for the rest of my life.  I will remember how it felt to push him in his stroller as we returned from taking Boo, Tyler and Talia to the bus stop.  The sun was cast on his face and his soft feather like hair was too irresistable to not touch.  He chattered about a kitty and I asked him, "Who loves Tim Tim?"  He answered, "Mama."

Mama loves you Tim Tim.  Yesterday, today and tomorrow.  We all do.

Sunshine never feels the same without you but it does offer me a wisp of you your warmth dear one. Mommy loves you.

"I heard your voice in the wind today
and I turned to see your face;
The warmth of the wind caressed me
as I stood silently in place.

I felt your touch in the sun today
as its warmth filled the sky;
I closed my eyes for your embrace
and my spirit soared high."-----unknown

A Brother's Birthday Wish

This is Boo, I just wanted to say a couple things! Personally I loved and love Timmy with all my heart I would look forward coming home and seeing his gigantic smile, he was an amazing brother. He was the best birthday present i have ever got and will ever get. At my old house I would have an album in my room of pictures just of him and I, Practically every night I would lay in my bed and just stare at him and start crying. One thing that he loved was bounce balls he had an obsession over them almost a bigger obsession than me with pokemon a while ago. Mostly all i'm trying to say is Happy birthday Timmy I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy birthday, sweet Timmy! We're remembering you today, like we do every day, and what a wonderful, kind, happy boy you were. Miss you! XXOO

The Andrich Family

I Want To Hold Your Hand

Sometimes I feel ridiculous wearing my lockets and kissing your picture. They're not you and the metal or glass that contain your image don't compare to your soft hand and beautiful face. Mama misses you always.

Always In Our Hearts, Souls and Present With Every Breath I take

Remembering Timothy Max Quatraro: Avoidance

Remembering Timothy Max Quatraro: Avoidance

Avoidance

I had planned to leave a post honoring Timmy on his birthday. Sometimes it just hurts too much. This was so on April 18th, I just could not bring myself to do it. On those days every breath is calculated, a veil of tears rest right behind my eyes, ready to expose me no matter where I am. It's exhausting.

On Timmy's birthday we usually stay at home and send him balloons. This year was a banquet to celebrate Talia and all the kids from her gym who worked so hard all year. My first reaction was not to go, but like Disneyland for Turner, I want to honor the joy in all our children. Talia had a great time, I was proud of her. Timmy would have loved to be part of that gym and play with all those neat kids like Turner does. I can't say I jumped in and sat with the team, but I went.

I have been surprised by messages from people that have taken my breath away. As a parent who lost a child I will tell you, my dear friends, it means more than you will ever know. The rhythm of these messages alone carried great meaning for me. They were all within a very short period of time and it made me feel like Timmy's golden thread is still woven into the world. I got messages from people I went to junior high and high school with whom I have not seen in over twenty years. They read about Timmy and took the time to acknowledge this with me and I am grateful.

I wanted to respond to several messages from friends but for some reason I struggle with replies during this time. They carry Tony and I, giving us the support we need to get through the everyday of it all and yet I have this weird block when it comes time to express our gratitude. How do you find words to thank someone for such an important gesture? The pain of when he is forgotten is great and you all took the time to step inside my heart and give it much needed strength.

Below is the beautiful poem my friend Lori wrote for us. Again, how do I thank you all?

Love,

Tiffanie

Sometimes there is no answer

In the whisper in the wind

As we ask the questions

Again and again…

We ask if there is an end in sight

For a broken heart

We ask the what if’s and wish

We were never apart

As time goes on without you

Always there is love

Your memory remains within

As you shine from up above

I am brought back to this day

Just once a year

However you are with me

Each day, always my dear…

Remembering Timothy Max Quatraro: Little Surprises

Remembering Timothy Max Quatraro: Little Surprises

Little Surprises

This is the time of year I always feel very conflicted. Boo celebrates his birthday on April 17th, he will be eleven. The following day, the 18th, is the day Timmy would be five. It is very strange to have such an emotional divide regarding your children and a day that should purely be a time of celebration. The 18th only brings pain for me right now. On Monday I watched Turner meet Mickey Mouse and stare in awe at the beautiful Disneyland fireworks. I missed his brother and ached over the fact that he could not be there while in that same moment felt joy for the little boy standing before me.

Things have been quiet until this week. People get busy, people move on. I don't think I ever will, honestly I don't want to. Out of the blue I was sent the final illustrations of Timmy that will be featured in a book. They are beautiful and I am waiting to find out when I can share them here. Last night a new friend sent me a poem that I will post on Timmy's birthday that takes my breath away. Earlier this week an old friend from my childhood sent me a message about Timmy-I have not seen her in over twenty years but was so touched by the gesture. Last night another friend posted a link on Facebook because her son is trying to earn money for the American Heart Association-this came literally moments after I received the poem. All of these things happening in the same week make me feel hope that he's close by. A mother can dream.

I find myself deeply grateful to my friends who still have Timmy's pictures up in their home. Thank you.

Changes

We finally moved. It was necessary but extremely difficult. To leave the house was to remove ourselves from our last physical connection to Timmy. This was the home we moved to so I could walk him along the trails, take him swimming at the pool and one day hold his hand as I escorted him through the doors of Nancy Ryles Elementary for his first day of kindergarten. I heard him laugh in his bedroom, watched him squeal and clap with excitement when he saw me come home from a birthday outing with Talia. It was on the deck he sat naked, happily slurping a popsicle while my mom and I watched with pure enjoyment.

This was also my living reminder of all that was lost. A house of broken dreams and my worst nightmares that became a reality. Many people were probably confused with and not in agreement with yet another change in our household. I had to do it so I could be a parent again. I needed to drive home without hearing the sounds of that horrible day ring through my mind. We waited, probably longer than we should have to make this change but wanted to be sure it was the right decision and we felt it necessary that we all take things slowly.

I don't regret the move. It has been a good choice for our family, regardless of the surprising response or lack of one(silence often speaks louder than words) by many friends. I don't ask them to understand, nor do I expect it. How can they? I pray they never do.

This month I would be registering Timmy for kindergarten. There is no dollar amount, or thing I wouldn't do to place a character themed backpack over his shoulders, take way too many photos and send him off for his first day of school while I stay behind, fighting back tears. Now, I put that energy into other things. Instead of growing exasperated with how active and constantly curious Turner is I am grateful for the mischief. It means he is here, he is growing, and I can hug him whenever I want. For every hug I give him I whisper inwardly, "I love you too Timmy".

To Timmy, Love Dad

Timmy,

I know I have not been the father to you since your death that I would have been in life.  I’m sorry for the lack of tears I have cried and the silence I have maintained.  Losing   you was shocking and so wrong.  It goes deeper than my heart is allowing me to feel and is bigger than my brain can master.

What I know is that you were a special and amazing little boy and I feel the loss of the relationship we were forming and the person who you would have become.  I feel you have given us a glimpse of that person in Little Buddy, as he is as spectacular in his way, as you were in yours.  I thank you for that – I thank you as a father and a husband for bringing that joy back into our lives.  

I thank you for watching over our family and making sure we are together and safe.  I want you to know that I love knowing you are very much a part of what we do and who we are.  I want you to know that you give me courage to be better than I am.

Timmy, I want you to know that you are my son and always will be and that I look forward to the day we meet again.  I look forward to being the dad I know I was going to be, to a son as remarkable as you. 

I love and miss you very much,

Dad

Gone Too Soon

This morning during a tribute to Michael Jackson the song Gone Too Soon was played.  It touched me and made me think of Timmy.  These are the lyrics.  Mommy misses you Timmy.........

Like A Comet

Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky

Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow

Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye

Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly

And Splendidly Bright

Here One Day

Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight

On A Cloudy Afternoon

Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle

Built Upon A Sandy Beach

Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower

That Is Just Beyond Your Reach

Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight

Here One Day

Gone One Night

Like A Sunset

Dying With The Rising Of The Moon

Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon

Michael Jackson Gone Too Soon lyrics 

Brothers

Yesterday Turner, Timmy's little brother whom he never met, matched Timmy in age.  It was a brief moment, gone in a mere sixty seconds.  Then the clock ticked another minute and Turner grew older than his big brother.  All this on Mother's Day.  These milestones are bittersweet-crushing and relieving.  Turner has survived a day I have fretted over since his conception and for that I am deeply grateful.  Timmy should be here to proudly reveal his crayon created card that Talia would have helped him make for me.  Now, it will be Turner who holds the crayon box. 

Today, On Your Fourth Birthday

Today, on your fourth birthday I am sending you more love than I can ever express my sweet Timmy.  I know if you were here you would be sparkling and full of excitement.  You are with us everywhere we go, a part of our every breath and the inspiration for all that is good.  You were a gift the day you were born and I am grateful for every second I had to hold you, feel your breath on my cheek, tickle your tummy and hear your laughter.

I love you to Heaven and back.

Missing My Sweet Boy

These pictures taken on Timmy's 1st birthday.


April is around the corner.  Timmy would be turning four on April 18th.  This is such a terribly hard time.  Would he want a birthday themed with Thomas The Train, a superheroe or sports?  I wonder what his big gift would be and what his little pre-school friends that would attend the party would be like?  Is he funny, musical or athletic?  Possibly all of that and more-that would be my guess.  Would Timmy be extra excited because Easter is only six days before his birthday?  He would have loved to hunt for eggs this year.

I miss you, love you and hurt for you always my sweet Tim Tim.  Love,  Mama 

The Happiness of Welcoming Timmy

I found these pictures today.  Among them are some of my favorites.  Timmy's sparkle was evident from the very beginning.  We were so completely wrapped around his little finger.  How can life be so beautiful and very cruel in such a short period of time?

Balls and Water

What I wouldn't give right now to play in the water with Timmy again.  Sometimes the want of what should be is just too unbearable....

Who Loves Tim Tim?

It was the first week of school, September, 2006.  We had just moved into our house and things were going very well for all of us.  I put Timmy in the stroller and walked Boo and Talia to the bus.  Timmy loved waving goodbye to the kids and seeing the bus.  After he blew kisses we then proceeded to walk Tyler to his friend, Nicholas Karimzadeh's house.  Nicholas was always very sweet to Timmy and Timmy would chant his name, "Nickless" as we approached the street where he lived.  By the time we reached their home Timmy was so excited he could hardly contain himself.  His little bare feet would kick and wiggle and his hands would wave madly with happiness and the anticipation of a very warm welcome as we entered our friends home.  They never did disappoint, always stopping whatever they were doing to wash Timmy's cheeks with kisses.  I loved sharing my little boy with them and I adored that we had friends that cared so much.

Timmy got to see Nicholas's kitty and was thrilled.  We said goodbye to everyone so the boys could go to school and proceeded to walk back home.  Timmy was talking away, "kitty, Boo Boo, Tahya, Tyer, Nickless".  It was like he had to give me his own recount of the morning excitement.  He was such a little sponge and it was a joy to listen to his voice and hear actual names and words depart those little lips.  The sun was shining down on his blond hair and I remember thinking I must look like a fool with the gigantic grin I had pasted across my face.  I couldn't help it, my heart was overflowing with this simple pure love and happiness.  

I remember thinking, "I am so lucky.  I get to listen to this amazing little boy for years to come and I have a countless amount of mornings to keep him all to myself as we walk home from bus stops and friends houses."  It was if I lived my whole life to reach that very moment where everything felt right.  I allowed myself to simply absorb that thought without tainting it with any what-ifs or unimportant details.  Timmy was still talking happily under the warm sun as we walked along the blackberry bushes and down the windy trail that would eventually lead to our home.  I looked down at Timmy and said, "Who loves Tim Tim?".........His sweet face looked up in anticipation and curiosity and I said, "Mama, Mama loves Tim Tim."  I then repeated myself, Who loves Tim Tim?" This time he gazed up at me and answered, "Mama".

Yes.........Mama loves Tim Tim.