Avoidance

I had planned to leave a post honoring Timmy on his birthday. Sometimes it just hurts too much. This was so on April 18th, I just could not bring myself to do it. On those days every breath is calculated, a veil of tears rest right behind my eyes, ready to expose me no matter where I am. It's exhausting.

On Timmy's birthday we usually stay at home and send him balloons. This year was a banquet to celebrate Talia and all the kids from her gym who worked so hard all year. My first reaction was not to go, but like Disneyland for Turner, I want to honor the joy in all our children. Talia had a great time, I was proud of her. Timmy would have loved to be part of that gym and play with all those neat kids like Turner does. I can't say I jumped in and sat with the team, but I went.

I have been surprised by messages from people that have taken my breath away. As a parent who lost a child I will tell you, my dear friends, it means more than you will ever know. The rhythm of these messages alone carried great meaning for me. They were all within a very short period of time and it made me feel like Timmy's golden thread is still woven into the world. I got messages from people I went to junior high and high school with whom I have not seen in over twenty years. They read about Timmy and took the time to acknowledge this with me and I am grateful.

I wanted to respond to several messages from friends but for some reason I struggle with replies during this time. They carry Tony and I, giving us the support we need to get through the everyday of it all and yet I have this weird block when it comes time to express our gratitude. How do you find words to thank someone for such an important gesture? The pain of when he is forgotten is great and you all took the time to step inside my heart and give it much needed strength.

Below is the beautiful poem my friend Lori wrote for us. Again, how do I thank you all?

Love,

Tiffanie

Sometimes there is no answer

In the whisper in the wind

As we ask the questions

Again and again…

We ask if there is an end in sight

For a broken heart

We ask the what if’s and wish

We were never apart

As time goes on without you

Always there is love

Your memory remains within

As you shine from up above

I am brought back to this day

Just once a year

However you are with me

Each day, always my dear…