Remembering Timothy Max Quatraro: Avoidance

Remembering Timothy Max Quatraro: Avoidance

Avoidance

I had planned to leave a post honoring Timmy on his birthday. Sometimes it just hurts too much. This was so on April 18th, I just could not bring myself to do it. On those days every breath is calculated, a veil of tears rest right behind my eyes, ready to expose me no matter where I am. It's exhausting.

On Timmy's birthday we usually stay at home and send him balloons. This year was a banquet to celebrate Talia and all the kids from her gym who worked so hard all year. My first reaction was not to go, but like Disneyland for Turner, I want to honor the joy in all our children. Talia had a great time, I was proud of her. Timmy would have loved to be part of that gym and play with all those neat kids like Turner does. I can't say I jumped in and sat with the team, but I went.

I have been surprised by messages from people that have taken my breath away. As a parent who lost a child I will tell you, my dear friends, it means more than you will ever know. The rhythm of these messages alone carried great meaning for me. They were all within a very short period of time and it made me feel like Timmy's golden thread is still woven into the world. I got messages from people I went to junior high and high school with whom I have not seen in over twenty years. They read about Timmy and took the time to acknowledge this with me and I am grateful.

I wanted to respond to several messages from friends but for some reason I struggle with replies during this time. They carry Tony and I, giving us the support we need to get through the everyday of it all and yet I have this weird block when it comes time to express our gratitude. How do you find words to thank someone for such an important gesture? The pain of when he is forgotten is great and you all took the time to step inside my heart and give it much needed strength.

Below is the beautiful poem my friend Lori wrote for us. Again, how do I thank you all?

Love,

Tiffanie

Sometimes there is no answer

In the whisper in the wind

As we ask the questions

Again and again…

We ask if there is an end in sight

For a broken heart

We ask the what if’s and wish

We were never apart

As time goes on without you

Always there is love

Your memory remains within

As you shine from up above

I am brought back to this day

Just once a year

However you are with me

Each day, always my dear…

Remembering Timothy Max Quatraro: Little Surprises

Remembering Timothy Max Quatraro: Little Surprises

Little Surprises

This is the time of year I always feel very conflicted. Boo celebrates his birthday on April 17th, he will be eleven. The following day, the 18th, is the day Timmy would be five. It is very strange to have such an emotional divide regarding your children and a day that should purely be a time of celebration. The 18th only brings pain for me right now. On Monday I watched Turner meet Mickey Mouse and stare in awe at the beautiful Disneyland fireworks. I missed his brother and ached over the fact that he could not be there while in that same moment felt joy for the little boy standing before me.

Things have been quiet until this week. People get busy, people move on. I don't think I ever will, honestly I don't want to. Out of the blue I was sent the final illustrations of Timmy that will be featured in a book. They are beautiful and I am waiting to find out when I can share them here. Last night a new friend sent me a poem that I will post on Timmy's birthday that takes my breath away. Earlier this week an old friend from my childhood sent me a message about Timmy-I have not seen her in over twenty years but was so touched by the gesture. Last night another friend posted a link on Facebook because her son is trying to earn money for the American Heart Association-this came literally moments after I received the poem. All of these things happening in the same week make me feel hope that he's close by. A mother can dream.

I find myself deeply grateful to my friends who still have Timmy's pictures up in their home. Thank you.

Changes

We finally moved. It was necessary but extremely difficult. To leave the house was to remove ourselves from our last physical connection to Timmy. This was the home we moved to so I could walk him along the trails, take him swimming at the pool and one day hold his hand as I escorted him through the doors of Nancy Ryles Elementary for his first day of kindergarten. I heard him laugh in his bedroom, watched him squeal and clap with excitement when he saw me come home from a birthday outing with Talia. It was on the deck he sat naked, happily slurping a popsicle while my mom and I watched with pure enjoyment.

This was also my living reminder of all that was lost. A house of broken dreams and my worst nightmares that became a reality. Many people were probably confused with and not in agreement with yet another change in our household. I had to do it so I could be a parent again. I needed to drive home without hearing the sounds of that horrible day ring through my mind. We waited, probably longer than we should have to make this change but wanted to be sure it was the right decision and we felt it necessary that we all take things slowly.

I don't regret the move. It has been a good choice for our family, regardless of the surprising response or lack of one(silence often speaks louder than words) by many friends. I don't ask them to understand, nor do I expect it. How can they? I pray they never do.

This month I would be registering Timmy for kindergarten. There is no dollar amount, or thing I wouldn't do to place a character themed backpack over his shoulders, take way too many photos and send him off for his first day of school while I stay behind, fighting back tears. Now, I put that energy into other things. Instead of growing exasperated with how active and constantly curious Turner is I am grateful for the mischief. It means he is here, he is growing, and I can hug him whenever I want. For every hug I give him I whisper inwardly, "I love you too Timmy".

To Timmy, Love Dad

Timmy,

I know I have not been the father to you since your death that I would have been in life.  I’m sorry for the lack of tears I have cried and the silence I have maintained.  Losing   you was shocking and so wrong.  It goes deeper than my heart is allowing me to feel and is bigger than my brain can master.

What I know is that you were a special and amazing little boy and I feel the loss of the relationship we were forming and the person who you would have become.  I feel you have given us a glimpse of that person in Little Buddy, as he is as spectacular in his way, as you were in yours.  I thank you for that – I thank you as a father and a husband for bringing that joy back into our lives.  

I thank you for watching over our family and making sure we are together and safe.  I want you to know that I love knowing you are very much a part of what we do and who we are.  I want you to know that you give me courage to be better than I am.

Timmy, I want you to know that you are my son and always will be and that I look forward to the day we meet again.  I look forward to being the dad I know I was going to be, to a son as remarkable as you. 

I love and miss you very much,

Dad

Gone Too Soon

This morning during a tribute to Michael Jackson the song Gone Too Soon was played.  It touched me and made me think of Timmy.  These are the lyrics.  Mommy misses you Timmy.........

Like A Comet

Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky

Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow

Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye

Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly

And Splendidly Bright

Here One Day

Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight

On A Cloudy Afternoon

Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle

Built Upon A Sandy Beach

Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower

That Is Just Beyond Your Reach

Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight

Here One Day

Gone One Night

Like A Sunset

Dying With The Rising Of The Moon

Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon

Michael Jackson Gone Too Soon lyrics 

Brothers

Yesterday Turner, Timmy's little brother whom he never met, matched Timmy in age.  It was a brief moment, gone in a mere sixty seconds.  Then the clock ticked another minute and Turner grew older than his big brother.  All this on Mother's Day.  These milestones are bittersweet-crushing and relieving.  Turner has survived a day I have fretted over since his conception and for that I am deeply grateful.  Timmy should be here to proudly reveal his crayon created card that Talia would have helped him make for me.  Now, it will be Turner who holds the crayon box. 

Today, On Your Fourth Birthday

Today, on your fourth birthday I am sending you more love than I can ever express my sweet Timmy.  I know if you were here you would be sparkling and full of excitement.  You are with us everywhere we go, a part of our every breath and the inspiration for all that is good.  You were a gift the day you were born and I am grateful for every second I had to hold you, feel your breath on my cheek, tickle your tummy and hear your laughter.

I love you to Heaven and back.

Missing My Sweet Boy

These pictures taken on Timmy's 1st birthday.


April is around the corner.  Timmy would be turning four on April 18th.  This is such a terribly hard time.  Would he want a birthday themed with Thomas The Train, a superheroe or sports?  I wonder what his big gift would be and what his little pre-school friends that would attend the party would be like?  Is he funny, musical or athletic?  Possibly all of that and more-that would be my guess.  Would Timmy be extra excited because Easter is only six days before his birthday?  He would have loved to hunt for eggs this year.

I miss you, love you and hurt for you always my sweet Tim Tim.  Love,  Mama 

The Happiness of Welcoming Timmy

I found these pictures today.  Among them are some of my favorites.  Timmy's sparkle was evident from the very beginning.  We were so completely wrapped around his little finger.  How can life be so beautiful and very cruel in such a short period of time?

Balls and Water

What I wouldn't give right now to play in the water with Timmy again.  Sometimes the want of what should be is just too unbearable....

Who Loves Tim Tim?

It was the first week of school, September, 2006.  We had just moved into our house and things were going very well for all of us.  I put Timmy in the stroller and walked Boo and Talia to the bus.  Timmy loved waving goodbye to the kids and seeing the bus.  After he blew kisses we then proceeded to walk Tyler to his friend, Nicholas Karimzadeh's house.  Nicholas was always very sweet to Timmy and Timmy would chant his name, "Nickless" as we approached the street where he lived.  By the time we reached their home Timmy was so excited he could hardly contain himself.  His little bare feet would kick and wiggle and his hands would wave madly with happiness and the anticipation of a very warm welcome as we entered our friends home.  They never did disappoint, always stopping whatever they were doing to wash Timmy's cheeks with kisses.  I loved sharing my little boy with them and I adored that we had friends that cared so much.

Timmy got to see Nicholas's kitty and was thrilled.  We said goodbye to everyone so the boys could go to school and proceeded to walk back home.  Timmy was talking away, "kitty, Boo Boo, Tahya, Tyer, Nickless".  It was like he had to give me his own recount of the morning excitement.  He was such a little sponge and it was a joy to listen to his voice and hear actual names and words depart those little lips.  The sun was shining down on his blond hair and I remember thinking I must look like a fool with the gigantic grin I had pasted across my face.  I couldn't help it, my heart was overflowing with this simple pure love and happiness.  

I remember thinking, "I am so lucky.  I get to listen to this amazing little boy for years to come and I have a countless amount of mornings to keep him all to myself as we walk home from bus stops and friends houses."  It was if I lived my whole life to reach that very moment where everything felt right.  I allowed myself to simply absorb that thought without tainting it with any what-ifs or unimportant details.  Timmy was still talking happily under the warm sun as we walked along the blackberry bushes and down the windy trail that would eventually lead to our home.  I looked down at Timmy and said, "Who loves Tim Tim?".........His sweet face looked up in anticipation and curiosity and I said, "Mama, Mama loves Tim Tim."  I then repeated myself, Who loves Tim Tim?" This time he gazed up at me and answered, "Mama".

Yes.........Mama loves Tim Tim.      

The best gift, memories of Timmy from a cherished friend(click on letter to enlarge)

The Power of a Picture

I'm sure many of you have seen these particular pictures before.  I don't know what I would do without them......

On September 13th, 2006 I got the kids off to school.  Timmy had been suffering from the sniffles so I called his pediatrican and made an appointment for him to be seen that morning.  Timmy Had been sleeping in because of his cold so I had to wake my little guy up.

I dressed him in his new duck sweater that perfectly matched the new leather Robeez that had ducks on them as well.  My Mom and I had recently purchased them on a busy, Timmy style shopping spree where he insisted on steering his own stroller everywhere and at one point stood in the display window while we laughed.  Timmy liked ducks almost as much as he liked saying the word.  He would put a sharp emphasis on the "k" sound.  "DuCK"!  The sweater was white and when matched with his soft, wispy blond hair and big blue eyes he looked like a darling little doll.  

My heart felt so full as I got him through his morning routine of attempting to eat Cheerios with a spoon as he chatted about "Boo Boo, Tyler, Talia".  He would hold his hands out, palms facing up to indicate their absence.  Normally, he was awake when they were preparing for school and we would walk them to their bus stops so he could wave goodbye.

The staff at the pediatrician's office gave him lots of attention.  They seem to really enjoy Timmy and would at times come out into the reception area when they heard he was there.  I joked about our frequent visits stating, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."  I felt so fortunate to have such an amazing little boy I just wanted to be sure we were giving him everything he needed in life.

Timmy's doctor confirmed he had bronchitis and gave me a prescription after listening to his heart and lungs as he sat trustingly in my lap and pointed at the basketball poster that hung on the wall.  The doctor laughed and joked that he should run a study on Timmy so other people could produce a child like him.  Timmy was very bright, social and athletic.  If only he could get his weight back up and swallow food rather than spit it out.  It was always those issues that caused me to frequent the walls of that office.  How does a baby go from the 95th percentile in weight down to the 5th in a matter of months?  Why did the red ring around Timmy's ankle never go away and where were the circles under his eyes coming from?  These were the questions I asked.

Timmy and I left the doctor and on the way home he threw up due to the congestion he was experiencing so I turned around and took him back to the doctor.  During that visit he received an injection and we were sent on our way.  

Once we got home I knew Timmy needed a nap but he looked so happy and playful in the blue jammies I had changed him into.   I couldn't help but get out my camera. I almost put it down thinking to myself that I could take pictures later but I fell a strange pull.  Timmy smiled as I snapped a few pictures.  Then, for the first time I turned the camera towards the two of us.  I had taken thousands of pictures since Timmy's birth but never had I taken one of the two of us while holding my camera.  

I put my face close against Timmy's soft cheek.  I could feel his little chest moving in and out under my touch.  The flash went off and I showed Timmy the screen so he could admire the image.  He said, "Mama, bebe, more".......and so I did. 

 Those pictures were to be the best I had even taken.  I remember calling my mom and telling her how I got these beautiful shots of Timmy playing peek-a-boo.  I loved how my mom sounded when she replied, "Oh, he loves peek-a-boo!"  I can still here her saying those words now.  I knew she was remembering her last visit when she played peek-a-boo with Timmy while he laughed with pure joy and excitement.  Yes, she was going to adore receiving those pictures!           

It was the next day that we lost our beautiful boy.  When the regrets and doubts fill my mind I have those images to remind me of his soft cheek, playful eyes and little hand holding on to my arm as I captured our special afternoon together.    

Important Facts About CHD(www.itsmyheart.org)

Below are some facts about Congenital Heart Defects. Timmy might be here today had he received an echocardiogram. Knowledge is power. For more information or to make a donation please go to www.itsmyheart.org

CHD Facts

• Congenital Heart Defects are the #1 birth defect. Source: March of Dimes
• Congenital Heart Defects are the #1 cause of birth defect related deaths. Source: March of Dimes
• About 1 out of every 100 babies are born each year with some type of Congenital Heart Defect. (approx. 40,000/year) Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
• Nearly twice as many children die from Congenital Heart Defects in the United States each year as from all forms of childhood cancers combined, yet funding for pediatric cancer research is five times higher than funding for CHD. Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
• The American Heart Association directs only $0.30 of every dollar donated toward research. The remainder goes toward administration, education and fundraising efforts. Of the $0.30 that goes toward research only $0.01 goes toward pediatric cardiology for CHD. Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
• This year approximately 4,000 babies will not live to see their first birthday because of Congenital Heart Defects. Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
• The cost for inpatient surgery to repair Congenital Heart Defects exceeds $2.2 billion a year. Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
• Of every dollar the government spends on medical funding only a fraction of a penny is directed toward Congenital Heart Defect research. Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
• Though research is ongoing, at least 35 defects have now been identified.
• 4-8% born with CHD have Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome
• 4-10% born with CHD have Atrioventricular Septal Defects
• 8-11% born with CHD have Coarctation of the Aorta
• 9-14% born with CHD have Tetralogy of Fallot
• 10-11% born with CHD have Transposition of the Great Arteries
• 14-16% born with CHD have Ventricular Septal Defects
• Although some babies will be diagnosed during gestation or at birth, sometimes the diagnosis is not made until days, weeks, months, or even years after. In some cases, CHD is not detected until adolescence or adulthood. Source: March of Dimes
• It is a proven fact that the earlier CHD is detected and treated, it is more likely the affected child will survive and have less long term health complications. Source: March of Dimes

Below is a story that Tyler wrote in August of 2005 at age ten. Tyler's love and devotion to Timmy continues to surprise and touch me.

He was born April 18.

I remember when she told me because it was the night before Halloween.
It was the night before Halloween when my mom told the kids-my brother Anthony, my sister Natalia and me that she was going to have a baby.

I was really excited when I found out I was going to have a baby brother or sister. It was hard to wait; I wanted to be born right away.
We talked about the baby a lot during dinner and other times when my family was together. We talked about what we’d name it if it was a boy or a girl. My mom liked the name Timothy. We all guessed how much it would weigh and how long it would be. We talked about where the kids would go when my mom and dad were at the hospital.

Got home from school and she was having labor pains so my dad took us all to the hospital. Watched TV in the hospital room where Timmy was born. We felt excited that the baby was finally going to be born and we were hoping that he’d be a healthy baby when he came out.
My mom was screaming really loud but she kept saying, “Don’t worry, Kids, I’m fine!”

One hour later Timmy was born.
He was the only one of us who broke his own water. The Doc had to break the water on all the rest of us.
We were going to do a thing where one of us would hold Tim first , one would cut the umbilical cord, and one would choose his middle name. The doc cut the cord, my mom thought of a middle name first, but I got to hold the baby first.

The second he came out I got to start videotaping my mom smiling and laughing and crying all at the same time.
I gave my dad the video camera so I could hold Timmy. I was the first person to hold Timmy besides my mom.
The doctor poured some water over his head and cleaned him.

My cousins and some friends came right after Timmy was born. At one point we had 17 people crammed into a room, or 18 if you count Timmy!

Tim, Mom, and Dad stayed at the hospital for two days.
The first night I stayed with my neighbors across the street and the second night I stayed with a friend.
My mom and dad let me come to the hospital every day instead of going to school because I really wanted to be with Timmy.
Every morning my Dad picked me up and I got to stay there all day. I got to hold Timmy and watch the few times he opened his eyes. This was a happy moment for me and my mom and dad.

I even remember how much he weighed and how long he was.

One of my most special memories is my brother Timmy being born.


Below is a copy of the paper Tyler wrote in his language arts class in November. I wish could could understand just how much love he gave Timmy.....

Good Night Can Make All the Difference

Has something ever happened to you that you regretted for the rest of your life? Some regrets are big, such as doing drugs or going to prison while others can be seemingly small. It was one of those seemingly small regrets that happened to me. I forgot to say goodnight.
I had a baby brother who was 16 months old. He was adorable, he would laugh, talk, and walk. Two years ago he suddenly died with no warning. This devastated my whole family. Later the doctors were able to tell us that he had died from a giant tumor in his heart. Eventually our family came to accept that he was gone although we were all still incredibly sad. Everyone was able to feel better because they could all say they spent the whole time at the end with him; everyone except me.
Every Tuesday night we liked to sit down and watch “Dancing with the Stars” together as a family. One night I decided that I did not want to watch that show, that I would rather go watch a cartoon downstairs by myself. Afterwards I was so tired I went straight to bed.
The next morning started like any other normal day. My brother was still asleep as usual so I just got ready and went to school. Later that day I got called to the office and one of my parents’s good friends was there ready to take me home. I thought this was weird but went along with it. When I got home my mom and dad sat us down and told me and my brother and sister that our baby brother had died.
A week after, we were all sitting around the dinner table, silent, when my mom said, “We are all lucky that we were there for his last night.” Hearing this I realized that I was not there, that I was the only one who had not said goodnight. I realized that because of a selfish act to get away from the family and do my own things that I had not been there for the end.
To this day, two years later, I have not been able to place that one piece of the puzzle that lets you know you used and enjoyed the time you had with them because I was not their in the end to say the last goodnight. Now every night I make sure that if something bad was to happen to someone in the night, the last words I said or did not say would not be ones that I regretted for the rest of my life.
When you go to sleep tonight make sure that you say goodnight, or anything that will let you fill in the that last puzzle piece.