The best gift, memories of Timmy from a cherished friend(click on letter to enlarge)

The Power of a Picture

I'm sure many of you have seen these particular pictures before.  I don't know what I would do without them......

On September 13th, 2006 I got the kids off to school.  Timmy had been suffering from the sniffles so I called his pediatrican and made an appointment for him to be seen that morning.  Timmy Had been sleeping in because of his cold so I had to wake my little guy up.

I dressed him in his new duck sweater that perfectly matched the new leather Robeez that had ducks on them as well.  My Mom and I had recently purchased them on a busy, Timmy style shopping spree where he insisted on steering his own stroller everywhere and at one point stood in the display window while we laughed.  Timmy liked ducks almost as much as he liked saying the word.  He would put a sharp emphasis on the "k" sound.  "DuCK"!  The sweater was white and when matched with his soft, wispy blond hair and big blue eyes he looked like a darling little doll.  

My heart felt so full as I got him through his morning routine of attempting to eat Cheerios with a spoon as he chatted about "Boo Boo, Tyler, Talia".  He would hold his hands out, palms facing up to indicate their absence.  Normally, he was awake when they were preparing for school and we would walk them to their bus stops so he could wave goodbye.

The staff at the pediatrician's office gave him lots of attention.  They seem to really enjoy Timmy and would at times come out into the reception area when they heard he was there.  I joked about our frequent visits stating, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."  I felt so fortunate to have such an amazing little boy I just wanted to be sure we were giving him everything he needed in life.

Timmy's doctor confirmed he had bronchitis and gave me a prescription after listening to his heart and lungs as he sat trustingly in my lap and pointed at the basketball poster that hung on the wall.  The doctor laughed and joked that he should run a study on Timmy so other people could produce a child like him.  Timmy was very bright, social and athletic.  If only he could get his weight back up and swallow food rather than spit it out.  It was always those issues that caused me to frequent the walls of that office.  How does a baby go from the 95th percentile in weight down to the 5th in a matter of months?  Why did the red ring around Timmy's ankle never go away and where were the circles under his eyes coming from?  These were the questions I asked.

Timmy and I left the doctor and on the way home he threw up due to the congestion he was experiencing so I turned around and took him back to the doctor.  During that visit he received an injection and we were sent on our way.  

Once we got home I knew Timmy needed a nap but he looked so happy and playful in the blue jammies I had changed him into.   I couldn't help but get out my camera. I almost put it down thinking to myself that I could take pictures later but I fell a strange pull.  Timmy smiled as I snapped a few pictures.  Then, for the first time I turned the camera towards the two of us.  I had taken thousands of pictures since Timmy's birth but never had I taken one of the two of us while holding my camera.  

I put my face close against Timmy's soft cheek.  I could feel his little chest moving in and out under my touch.  The flash went off and I showed Timmy the screen so he could admire the image.  He said, "Mama, bebe, more".......and so I did. 

 Those pictures were to be the best I had even taken.  I remember calling my mom and telling her how I got these beautiful shots of Timmy playing peek-a-boo.  I loved how my mom sounded when she replied, "Oh, he loves peek-a-boo!"  I can still here her saying those words now.  I knew she was remembering her last visit when she played peek-a-boo with Timmy while he laughed with pure joy and excitement.  Yes, she was going to adore receiving those pictures!           

It was the next day that we lost our beautiful boy.  When the regrets and doubts fill my mind I have those images to remind me of his soft cheek, playful eyes and little hand holding on to my arm as I captured our special afternoon together.    

Important Facts About CHD(www.itsmyheart.org)

Below are some facts about Congenital Heart Defects. Timmy might be here today had he received an echocardiogram. Knowledge is power. For more information or to make a donation please go to www.itsmyheart.org

CHD Facts

• Congenital Heart Defects are the #1 birth defect. Source: March of Dimes
• Congenital Heart Defects are the #1 cause of birth defect related deaths. Source: March of Dimes
• About 1 out of every 100 babies are born each year with some type of Congenital Heart Defect. (approx. 40,000/year) Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
• Nearly twice as many children die from Congenital Heart Defects in the United States each year as from all forms of childhood cancers combined, yet funding for pediatric cancer research is five times higher than funding for CHD. Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
• The American Heart Association directs only $0.30 of every dollar donated toward research. The remainder goes toward administration, education and fundraising efforts. Of the $0.30 that goes toward research only $0.01 goes toward pediatric cardiology for CHD. Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
• This year approximately 4,000 babies will not live to see their first birthday because of Congenital Heart Defects. Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
• The cost for inpatient surgery to repair Congenital Heart Defects exceeds $2.2 billion a year. Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
• Of every dollar the government spends on medical funding only a fraction of a penny is directed toward Congenital Heart Defect research. Source: Children’s Heart Foundation
• Though research is ongoing, at least 35 defects have now been identified.
• 4-8% born with CHD have Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome
• 4-10% born with CHD have Atrioventricular Septal Defects
• 8-11% born with CHD have Coarctation of the Aorta
• 9-14% born with CHD have Tetralogy of Fallot
• 10-11% born with CHD have Transposition of the Great Arteries
• 14-16% born with CHD have Ventricular Septal Defects
• Although some babies will be diagnosed during gestation or at birth, sometimes the diagnosis is not made until days, weeks, months, or even years after. In some cases, CHD is not detected until adolescence or adulthood. Source: March of Dimes
• It is a proven fact that the earlier CHD is detected and treated, it is more likely the affected child will survive and have less long term health complications. Source: March of Dimes

Below is a story that Tyler wrote in August of 2005 at age ten. Tyler's love and devotion to Timmy continues to surprise and touch me.

He was born April 18.

I remember when she told me because it was the night before Halloween.
It was the night before Halloween when my mom told the kids-my brother Anthony, my sister Natalia and me that she was going to have a baby.

I was really excited when I found out I was going to have a baby brother or sister. It was hard to wait; I wanted to be born right away.
We talked about the baby a lot during dinner and other times when my family was together. We talked about what we’d name it if it was a boy or a girl. My mom liked the name Timothy. We all guessed how much it would weigh and how long it would be. We talked about where the kids would go when my mom and dad were at the hospital.

Got home from school and she was having labor pains so my dad took us all to the hospital. Watched TV in the hospital room where Timmy was born. We felt excited that the baby was finally going to be born and we were hoping that he’d be a healthy baby when he came out.
My mom was screaming really loud but she kept saying, “Don’t worry, Kids, I’m fine!”

One hour later Timmy was born.
He was the only one of us who broke his own water. The Doc had to break the water on all the rest of us.
We were going to do a thing where one of us would hold Tim first , one would cut the umbilical cord, and one would choose his middle name. The doc cut the cord, my mom thought of a middle name first, but I got to hold the baby first.

The second he came out I got to start videotaping my mom smiling and laughing and crying all at the same time.
I gave my dad the video camera so I could hold Timmy. I was the first person to hold Timmy besides my mom.
The doctor poured some water over his head and cleaned him.

My cousins and some friends came right after Timmy was born. At one point we had 17 people crammed into a room, or 18 if you count Timmy!

Tim, Mom, and Dad stayed at the hospital for two days.
The first night I stayed with my neighbors across the street and the second night I stayed with a friend.
My mom and dad let me come to the hospital every day instead of going to school because I really wanted to be with Timmy.
Every morning my Dad picked me up and I got to stay there all day. I got to hold Timmy and watch the few times he opened his eyes. This was a happy moment for me and my mom and dad.

I even remember how much he weighed and how long he was.

One of my most special memories is my brother Timmy being born.


Below is a copy of the paper Tyler wrote in his language arts class in November. I wish could could understand just how much love he gave Timmy.....

Good Night Can Make All the Difference

Has something ever happened to you that you regretted for the rest of your life? Some regrets are big, such as doing drugs or going to prison while others can be seemingly small. It was one of those seemingly small regrets that happened to me. I forgot to say goodnight.
I had a baby brother who was 16 months old. He was adorable, he would laugh, talk, and walk. Two years ago he suddenly died with no warning. This devastated my whole family. Later the doctors were able to tell us that he had died from a giant tumor in his heart. Eventually our family came to accept that he was gone although we were all still incredibly sad. Everyone was able to feel better because they could all say they spent the whole time at the end with him; everyone except me.
Every Tuesday night we liked to sit down and watch “Dancing with the Stars” together as a family. One night I decided that I did not want to watch that show, that I would rather go watch a cartoon downstairs by myself. Afterwards I was so tired I went straight to bed.
The next morning started like any other normal day. My brother was still asleep as usual so I just got ready and went to school. Later that day I got called to the office and one of my parents’s good friends was there ready to take me home. I thought this was weird but went along with it. When I got home my mom and dad sat us down and told me and my brother and sister that our baby brother had died.
A week after, we were all sitting around the dinner table, silent, when my mom said, “We are all lucky that we were there for his last night.” Hearing this I realized that I was not there, that I was the only one who had not said goodnight. I realized that because of a selfish act to get away from the family and do my own things that I had not been there for the end.
To this day, two years later, I have not been able to place that one piece of the puzzle that lets you know you used and enjoyed the time you had with them because I was not their in the end to say the last goodnight. Now every night I make sure that if something bad was to happen to someone in the night, the last words I said or did not say would not be ones that I regretted for the rest of my life.
When you go to sleep tonight make sure that you say goodnight, or anything that will let you fill in the that last puzzle piece.

I woke this morning and checked my messages only to be thrilled that my dear friend, Felicia had sent this picture to me. It was taken at her son, Shawn's Bar Mitzvah. Timmy was a great sport and enjoyed the action and music. I was excited to show him off in his new outfit (purchased for the special occasion) to the Rosenthal family. We were lucky enough to sit with my friend, Sarah and her family. They gave Timmy loads of attention while all the kids played. That was Timmy's first real outing and it was a good one.

Thank you Felicia for a restored memory! I was emotionally exhausted yesterday after beginning this blog but this makes it so worth it.

XOXO
Tiff

A few pictures

Tyler, Mana(my mom) and Timmy in August 2006.
Timmy and Daddy playing with his birthday gift.


Mexico 2006

Time Passes, Love Remains

This blog is being created for many reasons. My hope is that Timmy's life will inspire people to remember what's truly important. Sometimes I ache for my little boy so deeply I find it difficult to inhale. I am able to take that next breath because I know I took the time to cherish his chubby wrists, sparkling eyes and joyful squeals. At times the laundry was abundant and if ever stranded in our car we could have lived off crumbs alone for several weeks. Many things remained on my "to do list" but I never missed an opportunity to play peek-a-boo or snap far too many pictures well beyond nap time.

Timmy was a family decision. It was on our wedding anniversary that Tony told me that he thought it would be a great time to have the baby the kids and I had been wanting. I was so touched and happy I cried for a week!

We all chose his name together. Of course, it had to be a name beginning with the letter "T'. Timothy was our first and only choice. Max had to be his middle name because it reflected how much we all loved and wanted this little boy. On April 18th, 2005 Tyler, Talia and Tony were in the room to welcome our precious Timmy.

Sometimes I wonder if we knew somehow that we had to cherish and preserve every moment we had with Timmy. Perhaps it was because Tony and I were older parents this time around and we knew how quickly things pass. Whatever the reason we never took even the smallest moments for granted. We used to joke that when Timmy went to school he was going to expect everyone to treat him like a rock star because that was how he was treated at home. Camera flashes were constantly going off and there were cheers with every ball that went into his basketball hoop.

I am so deeply grateful to our friends and family that always took the time to love Timmy. Most people in our circle were done with having babies and their lives were busy with school, PTO meetings, work and endless sporting activities. However, it never stopped anyone from passing him around to be admired on sidelines, bouncing him on a lap during art history meetings or sending him a book that was loved by their own child. These wonderful people made Timmy's life feel like it was kissed with magic. These are the same individuals that still have his pictures up in their home, remember his birthday and help try to sooth us on the date we lost our beautiful boy. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

My hope is to add stories, memories and thoughts about Timmy at a pace that isn't too emotionally draining. I welcome people to share. Over the past two years whenever someone shares a picture or story I feel like I've been given a piece of my child that I didn't have before. They are cherished.

Love,
Tiffanie

To Timmy, Love Mama

If I grow old and you stay young
Remember me my precious one
One day in Heaven I will hold you tight
My beautiful jewel that gave me light
Yesterday, today, tomorrow.....Forever your Mama I will be
That is my promise to you through eternity