We finally moved. It was necessary but extremely difficult. To leave the house was to remove ourselves from our last physical connection to Timmy. This was the home we moved to so I could walk him along the trails, take him swimming at the pool and one day hold his hand as I escorted him through the doors of Nancy Ryles Elementary for his first day of kindergarten. I heard him laugh in his bedroom, watched him squeal and clap with excitement when he saw me come home from a birthday outing with Talia. It was on the deck he sat naked, happily slurping a popsicle while my mom and I watched with pure enjoyment.
This was also my living reminder of all that was lost. A house of broken dreams and my worst nightmares that became a reality. Many people were probably confused with and not in agreement with yet another change in our household. I had to do it so I could be a parent again. I needed to drive home without hearing the sounds of that horrible day ring through my mind. We waited, probably longer than we should have to make this change but wanted to be sure it was the right decision and we felt it necessary that we all take things slowly.
I don't regret the move. It has been a good choice for our family, regardless of the surprising response or lack of one(silence often speaks louder than words) by many friends. I don't ask them to understand, nor do I expect it. How can they? I pray they never do.
This month I would be registering Timmy for kindergarten. There is no dollar amount, or thing I wouldn't do to place a character themed backpack over his shoulders, take way too many photos and send him off for his first day of school while I stay behind, fighting back tears. Now, I put that energy into other things. Instead of growing exasperated with how active and constantly curious Turner is I am grateful for the mischief. It means he is here, he is growing, and I can hug him whenever I want. For every hug I give him I whisper inwardly, "I love you too Timmy".
